Current
I just need to post a little bit about what's going on currently. Get it out of my head and onto the paper, or blog. In the past 17 months I've had 4 surgeries. Every time, I pray that I will not wake up. I look for little things that I can do to "increase the risk" of surgery. I have hit lows that should probably have been talked about, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to admit it aloud. I didn't want someone to stop me if I made a good suicide plan. After the 3rd surgery, I tried to give myself lithium toxicity and overdosed for several days. I don't know what I expected or wanted. I just knew that it was going to hurt me and I wanted to hurt. When I changed antidepressants between the first two surgeries,and was told never to mix the several different medications, I held on to every single pill bottle in case I "needed" to take them later. The latest surgery was unnecessary; I had a tubal ligation. I didn't need it; I have an IUD th...