Treatment Resistant, but Resilient

 My dad has been kicked out by his "wife" at least 6 times. Pretty sure it's closer to 10. It seems she thinks he is not taking good enough care of her. Here's how it goes: She feels a man should always take care of a woman. This includes dates, that she chooses, and it doesn't matter how expensive it is. He pays the property taxes on HER HOUSE. He pays for the groceries. He pays for utilities. He pays for cell phones. She spends $500/month on DOG FOOD!!!!! (deep breaths...try not to swear at this crazy b!) If he doesn't plan dates or forgets one of those bills (because he has DEMENTIA or because the account is already in HER NAME because she never added him to the statements) it is HIS FAULT and she screams at him. When he fights back or tries to argue, she kicks him out. Then he beats himself up for "not being the man she needs and deserves" or for "not taking good enough care of her", he begs her to take him back, she continues to demean...

For as long as I can remember, I have been a Daddy's Girl. My mom encouraged it. She never knew her dad, and she wanted her kids to be close to their dad. But it didn't take much for me to be Daddy's girl. I have always thought of him as my hero, my rock, my friend, and sometimes even my therapist. I wanted to be close to him all the time. I wanted his advice for every big event.  When my mom died, I figured we would just become even closer because he would need me as much as I had always needed him. But he immediately started looking for a new wife. He pushed away everything I did. Every effort to be with him, spend time together, help him grieve, receive comfort from him in my own grief, was pushed away. He just wanted to move on. Within 6 months of mom's death, he had been engaged, broken up, been scammed for thousands of dollars, sent nudes, promised himself to a woman, finally accepted the advice of ALL his kids to break up with her, and then got engaged again. Not...

 My last post was really long. I thought I would make a shorter summary. Carson started throwing really awful uncontrollable tantrums at about age 5.      The pediatrician(s) told me he would outgrow it and not to worry because he wasn't hurting anyone or anything.     When he got bigger and started to be destructive, I was told not to worry because he wasn't hurting himself.     When he started hurting himself, I was told not to worry because it wasn't "that serious"     When he continued to destroy things, scare siblings, and get violent with me, talk about suicide, and had serious impulsive behaviors, I was told that it was a phase.      Finally, a doctor told me that he had ADHD and prescribed medication. This didn't make a difference.     When Carson got big enough to fight me off when I would try to restrain him during violent outbursts, it was brushed off.     When I asked for psychological evalu...

 I want to introduce my son, Carson.  If you know me, I'm sure you've heard his name before😀 Carson is funny, outgoing, and silly. He is creative, and artistic. He loves to draw, write letters, play games, make inappropriate jokes, play with his siblings, and play ridiculous amounts of Roblox. Carson is gay and he OWNS it. He is flamboyant and incredibly kind-hearted. There is a side to Carson that not many know. There are many reasons we don't share his struggles. First of all, it's HIS story, not mine. I am just a part of it. Second, people are incredibly judgmental about mood and personality disorders. The first few people I opened up to, seeking advice, I was judged and mocked (unintentionally I'm sure) and I decided that I shouldn't share my struggles with him. But right now, I am incredibly frustrated and need to make some things known. So, here is a little history:     From his toddler years, Carson would throw temper tantrums like you wouldn't belie...

Just something more lighthearted than I tend to post. Because this is just as much my life as the trauma, anxiety, depression, and other craziness. These kids, and their older siblings, are my universe. I fight the darkness for them. I push through the hardest days for them. I live for them. Emily, 2nd grade DLI                                                                                      TJ, 4th grade DLI TJ just wanted to show off his backpack, and Emily wanted to show of her lunch bag. TJ is really into Snoopy right now, Emily loves all things girly like unicorns, ponies, rainbows, glitter, and sparkly things. I love these kiddos.  

 I think there is some trauma from the night I lost my mom, which I will need to work through. I keep telling myself I have dealt with it, and maybe the so-called trauma is just grief. Anyway, here is a short "story" I wrote about that night. It keeps getting misplaced and had some soda spilled on it so I figured this is a more permanent place to keep it.     Friday, April 14, 2023, is a date etched in my mind. Exactly one month before my 43rd birthday. My sister called "hey, sis. I'm at Mom and Dad's. Are you ready to go?"     "Be right over" I reply.     We're riding together with our parents to Aunt Jeneal's viewing. Jeneal was Mom's oldest sister. Most of her kids were old enough to be my parents, so I never felt close to her. But she is my Aunt and I do love her.     Only a few months before, her son and daughter died just days apart due to complications from Covid. Mom mentions how she's sure they are together. Mom is also env...