Ketamine Therapy

 Recently, I started doing Ketamine assisted psychotherapy.

I go into the office, dissolve a ketamine troche in my mouth, and lay down for an hour, then talk to my therapist for an hour. Every other treatment I do it at home and write down or record my thoughts. 

The first one was kind of interesting but uneventful. My psychiatrist suggested I set goals for what I hope to accomplish or work through before I put the troche in my mouth.

I did another one at home, and it wasn't helpful at all. The 3rd one, my psychiatrist raised the dose and it did seem to help a little. The 4th one was in-office, and I cried about my ECT past, how nobody seems to want to hear it or show any empathy after all this time. But it is still painful for me. It still challenges me and shakes me to the core some days. I talked about how I thought I could work on forgiving the doctors and nurses and other staff at the clinic.

I've done several more since then. Once, I cried because I wanted my mom with me. Once I thought I saw a fight between dark and light (good and evil) in my mind, both sides fighting to win over my thoughts and actions, while I wondered which one I wanted to lean into, as well as wondering what is "good" and what is "bad"?

Ketamine is helpful. I just fear that it will not last. I'm putting so much work into this, so much energy and time, it's hard to take away from time with my family. They don't seem to care. They interrupt me when I'm at home, and I feel like nobody cares to talk about what it's like or how I'm doing. I hope it isn't another 2 year process with little improvement and great loss.