"System" Fail

 I want to introduce my son, Carson. 

If you know me, I'm sure you've heard his name before😀

Carson is funny, outgoing, and silly. He is creative, and artistic. He loves to draw, write letters, play games, make inappropriate jokes, play with his siblings, and play ridiculous amounts of Roblox. Carson is gay and he OWNS it. He is flamboyant and incredibly kind-hearted.

There is a side to Carson that not many know. There are many reasons we don't share his struggles. First of all, it's HIS story, not mine. I am just a part of it. Second, people are incredibly judgmental about mood and personality disorders. The first few people I opened up to, seeking advice, I was judged and mocked (unintentionally I'm sure) and I decided that I shouldn't share my struggles with him.

But right now, I am incredibly frustrated and need to make some things known. So, here is a little history:

    From his toddler years, Carson would throw temper tantrums like you wouldn't believe. At this point, I had spent time helping in daycare, babysat for neighbors, watched nieces and nephews, I had 2 other kids before him, his twin sister, and a younger sister. NOTHING compares to the fits Carson could throw. Throwing things, slamming his body around, screaming uncontrollably and inconsolably for hours. When I tried to tell other moms, I was told to wait for him to grow out of it. If I brought it up at well-child checkups, I was told he would learn with time. He wasn't hurting himself, so it was not a danger. So, I waited.

    By the time Carson was 10, he was destroying property. Usually something like a sibling's toy or a dish. His tantrums were still hard, and now I had reached a point where I would have to wrestle him to get dangerous items from him or protect the other kids from his rage. He was hurting himself, but it wasn't serious, so we kept waiting. I tried to explain to my support system that this didn't seem like typical child behavior that he would outgrow. This was serious, it was scary, it felt impossible. I took him to several therapists but couldn't find a good fit, and nobody seemed to have any advice or suggestions/referrals. Judgements and "wait it out" comments continued.

    

    In his early teens, as he got bigger and stronger, he was breaking holes in walls, shattering windows, taking hammers to the house, spray painting anything he could, taking a hammer to the cement to damage it. Sometimes, I had to pin him down, while my other kids cried out in fear. I was at a loss, Jason and I felt we had tried everything. He wasn't hurting himself seriously, and hadn't harmed a person so it was brushed off again. I finally found a doctor (I'm not sure his specialty so I'll say Dr) that seemed to want to help. He diagnosed Carson with ADHD and a mood disorder, DMDD (disruptive mood dysregulation disorder). He prescribed some medication but didn't seem to offer much support. So, I kept looking. We found a therapist that said he was the most severe case of a children's mood disorder he had ever seen. I felt validated for the first time. But still, no help. They would talk to him and empathize but never helped me understand the illness or how to handle everything as parents.

    In the summer of 2023, I took Carson for a long-awaited evaluation. This was supposed to find the exact diagnosis, help us figure out treatment, and provide support for the family if needed (it was needed). Before they finished the evaluation, they asked why I had never sought long-term care or hospitalization. I told them I had asked several professionals, but nothing ever happened. The few that could offer help, put me on a waiting list for months, up to 18 months at times. Meanwhile, he was destroying our house and traumatizing our family. This lady called the hospital and found a room for him. I was so scared. It was one of the hardest things to hug him and walk away that day.

       

    About 2 weeks later, he was moved from the hospital to a residential treatment center. This was just as hard as the hospital! He had a hard start there, but things seemed to be looking up. After about 2 months, insurance decided he didn't need the treatment because he was "improving" according to the notes from his team. I spent hours arguing. He had been struggling for 15 years, and they wanted to just let him go after 2 months? But I couldn't win the fight. He came home right before Thanksgiving , he was supposed to start a day treatment (he went back to the treatment center for school and therapy 8 hours a day but came home every night.) Less than a week later, he was put back in residential treatment because he had one of his outbursts at home. Another 2 months, and insurance again decided he didn't need further help. This time, I told the insurance representative that if my son killed himself or someone else, or caused more damage to other homes and families, it was on their heads.

    Quick note, too.... insurance gives you 24 hours to get your child out of treatment. Not a few days to wean out of it. ONE DAY.

   

    When Carson finally started day treatment for the second time, I thought we had things figured out. His therapy was helping, the staff cared. But with 24 hours' notice he was again released. We didn't have an outpatient therapist, psychiatrist, doctor, or school, because he was supposed to be in treatment longer. So we spent that 24 hours trying to figure out how we would help him and get him in school once he came home.

    About a month after he came home, Carson had gone back to every single behavior. Perhaps I failed, it was overwhelming trying to keep up with his needs, our jobs, my mental health, and the other 5 kids in the house that needed me and needed to be safe. I wasn't great at reminding him to take his meds and I struggled to follow all the tips. We had no support getting him back into "normal" life. He was thrown into it, and so were we. Thank you, insurance company!

    At this point, we started talking about him moving in with his dad. His dad and stepmom were quick to offer to take him in, we agreed that he would stay there until he graduated high school. We worked out the details together, and Carson moved in just in time to start his junior year of high school. It was nice because the environment there was simpler, with only one sibling. His stepmom was great at helping him remember to take his meds. They got him a great counselor and doctor, he was in a school that specialized in kids with mental health struggles and other needs.

    By the summer of 2025, Carson's dad had called me or text me multiple times about his tantrums. He ran away, without shoes. He broke something. He screamed and swore. He got suspended from school, he offended and upset classmates, he was disrespectful, brought drugs into the house. All of this was familiar to me and Jason, but foreign to his dad and stepmom. Finally, the police took Carson to the hospital with a pink slip (involuntary admittance to a behavioral health facility). 

     Carson spent another 2 weeks in a hospital, during which time his dad and stepmom decided he could no longer live with them. His dad told me to sign away my rights as a parent and turn him over to the state. I considered doing that, but as hard as it was to drop him off at 2 hospitals, and all the treatment options, I couldn't go through with it. He was transferred to the absolute worst treatment facility. One week in, he had found weed and gotten high with the rest of the kids there. 2 days later, he was found involved in sexual activity with another kid, and 3 days after that they told me to pick him up within 3 hours because his behavior was too much for their facility to handle. He had gotten violent and damaged property (one of the main concerns when he was admitted!!!)  I asked if they would help me get him transferred to another facility, "no". I asked if they could call the police since he was a danger, "no". I asked what else I can do "just come get him." I had 3 hours to get there and pick him up. They were no use to me when I showed up, asking for help, recommendations, etc. The staff just said they didn't understand why the owner wanted him removed, but I had to get him out.

    Carson has been back in our home since September 9 (2025). The first time he crashed out (his term) we called the police. He smashed holes in the wall, threw everything he could get his hands on, screaming, crying, cursing, ran away. All because he took a computer to talk to someone he legally cannot talk to. The police came and said they cannot do anything. I said I wanted to press charges and wanted them to take him. They "couldn't". Wouldn't even come see the damage he had done. I was sobbing and begging them for help. They asked what they could do and I realized they really couldn't help. I can't afford his tantrums, emotionally or financially. But what can they do? 

Less than an hour later, he was at it again. He lit a fire in the garage, was throwing things and threatening to kill himself, told Jason to kill himself, and calling me names. Vanessa called the police back. This time, they came with lights flashing, 4 cars!! They talked to Jason and I, Vaness and her friend, and TJ and Emily. They put Carson in handcuffs and I thought, maybe he'll finally get some help! Nessa and I were sobbing, TJ and Emily were terrified. After having Carson in the police car for at least 30 minutes, screaming and banging his head on the window, the officer came and told me they could not take him to Juvenile Detention Center. There was nothing they could do. I could press charges but that will take weeks or even months. I didn't ask why, I was so shocked I couldn't think. Finally, they said they would take him to a Juvenile Receiving Center (JRC). I didn't know what that was, but it sounded like SOMETHING that might help. The took him at about midnight.

At 1am, I got a call from JRC asking me to bring his meds. I had asked the officers if they needed his meds and they said they did not. But here we were...... I told her I had just gotten my kids to bed and had to be to work in a few hours. I pointed out that one night without it would be OK. She asked when I could pick him up. I asked when I had to pick him up "in the morning" was her reply. "it's morning now! I don't get off work until 1pm and I have 4 other kids at home." She pointed out it was just a facility to hold kids until they "cool down" and he couldn't stay there long.

I got there just after 1pm. He immediately apologized. I said "I know. I'm upset with this stupid system more than you. Nobody will help you or even help me to help you. It's just been one failure after another, and I don't know what to do."

Here we are. In the same position. He has good days, and bad days. But his bad days are about 100x worse than most. 

As a mom, this is so hard to watch. I know he doesn't want to act like that. I know he wants to be more "normal" and less "crazy" but if he can't control racing thoughts, can't control impulses, and can't pause to "breathe" when the anger takes over, but NO pediatrician, therapist, psychiatrist, doctor, treatment center, hospital, or receiving center can help, how am I supposed to?