Treatment Resistant, but Resilient

 My last post was really long. I thought I would make a shorter summary. Carson started throwing really awful uncontrollable tantrums at about age 5.      The pediatrician(s) told me he would outgrow it and not to worry because he wasn't hurting anyone or anything.     When he got bigger and started to be destructive, I was told not to worry because he wasn't hurting himself.     When he started hurting himself, I was told not to worry because it wasn't "that serious"     When he continued to destroy things, scare siblings, and get violent with me, talk about suicide, and had serious impulsive behaviors, I was told that it was a phase.      Finally, a doctor told me that he had ADHD and prescribed medication. This didn't make a difference.     When Carson got big enough to fight me off when I would try to restrain him during violent outbursts, it was brushed off.     When I asked for psychological evalu...

 I want to introduce my son, Carson.  If you know me, I'm sure you've heard his name before😀 Carson is funny, outgoing, and silly. He is creative, and artistic. He loves to draw, write letters, play games, make inappropriate jokes, play with his siblings, and play ridiculous amounts of Roblox. Carson is gay and he OWNS it. He is flamboyant and incredibly kind-hearted. There is a side to Carson that not many know. There are many reasons we don't share his struggles. First of all, it's HIS story, not mine. I am just a part of it. Second, people are incredibly judgmental about mood and personality disorders. The first few people I opened up to, seeking advice, I was judged and mocked (unintentionally I'm sure) and I decided that I shouldn't share my struggles with him. But right now, I am incredibly frustrated and need to make some things known. So, here is a little history:     From his toddler years, Carson would throw temper tantrums like you wouldn't belie...

Just something more lighthearted than I tend to post. Because this is just as much my life as the trauma, anxiety, depression, and other craziness. These kids, and their older siblings, are my universe. I fight the darkness for them. I push through the hardest days for them. I live for them. Emily, 2nd grade DLI                                                                                      TJ, 4th grade DLI TJ just wanted to show off his backpack, and Emily wanted to show of her lunch bag. TJ is really into Snoopy right now, Emily loves all things girly like unicorns, ponies, rainbows, glitter, and sparkly things. I love these kiddos.  

 I think there is some trauma from the night I lost my mom, which I will need to work through. I keep telling myself I have dealt with it, and maybe the so-called trauma is just grief. Anyway, here is a short "story" I wrote about that night. It keeps getting misplaced and had some soda spilled on it so I figured this is a more permanent place to keep it.     Friday, April 14, 2023, is a date etched in my mind. Exactly one month before my 43rd birthday. My sister called "hey, sis. I'm at Mom and Dad's. Are you ready to go?"     "Be right over" I reply.     We're riding together with our parents to Aunt Jeneal's viewing. Jeneal was Mom's oldest sister. Most of her kids were old enough to be my parents, so I never felt close to her. But she is my Aunt and I do love her.     Only a few months before, her son and daughter died just days apart due to complications from Covid. Mom mentions how she's sure they are together. Mom is also env...

 Recently, I started doing Ketamine assisted psychotherapy. I go into the office, dissolve a ketamine troche in my mouth, and lay down for an hour, then talk to my therapist for an hour. Every other treatment I do it at home and write down or record my thoughts.  The first one was kind of interesting but uneventful. My psychiatrist suggested I set goals for what I hope to accomplish or work through before I put the troche in my mouth. I did another one at home, and it wasn't helpful at all. The 3rd one, my psychiatrist raised the dose and it did seem to help a little. The 4th one was in-office, and I cried about my ECT past, how nobody seems to want to hear it or show any empathy after all this time. But it is still painful for me. It still challenges me and shakes me to the core some days. I talked about how I thought I could work on forgiving the doctors and nurses and other staff at the clinic. I've done several more since then. Once, I cried because I wanted my mom with me...

 I've heard the saying "comparison is the thief of joy" SO many times. I don't know if it's always  a symptom of depression, but it is definitely common among the friends I have discussed it with. This is one of the reasons that social media is such a problem, and why it is immediately blocked in all mental health hospitals and facilities. I used to compare the number of likes I would get vs someone else in the same circle. I don't do this anymore, but it was a big deal. One of the few memories I have of being admitted to the hospital in 2019 was them asking how serious my suicidal thoughts and ideations were and asking me about social media. I remember feeling validated, knowing this was common enough of a problem that it had to be asked during check-in. The biggest comparison I hear about, and probably the biggest one I struggle with myself, is comparing the support given to those with mental illness vs those with physical illness. I don't 100% agree wit...