When I was a little girl, probably 5 or 6, I remember thinking that I was the exception when people said things like "Jesus said love everyone" or "be kind to everyone". I thought that nobody could love me. That people all around the world had photos of me, pulled out to explain that I was the exception, or for someone to hold up and say, "I can't bring myself to love or be kind to this person", after which, the adult or other person would say "of course you can't. She's the exception. She is unlovable".
When prayers were said, I was terrified that everyone was watching me and making judgments about my appearance and the way I held my arms or how tall and stiff I sat.
Throughout my childhood, and into my adult life (even now at times) I was paranoid about people watching me. I walked stiffly, unsure what to do with my hands as I walked. Nervous what a smile might look like or imply, afraid to speak to just about everyone because I hated the sound of my voice and believed everyone else did, too.
Honestly, I don't know how "normal" any of this is. I know everyone gets nervous at times, or probably even has occasional paranoia. I just know that this was constant, racing thoughts from early childhood on. I always felt awkward, different, weird. I was very much a turtle in its shell.
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