Treatment Resistant, but Resilient

 Dad's dementia can be really bad one day, and not bad at all the next. But his conversation has happened 3 times in the last 10 days or so: Dad: "Do you remember my mom?" Me: "No, she died when you were in high school I never knew her." Dad: "Oh. Right. I forgot. I guess I was thinking of your mom." Me: "What? My mom?" Dad: "Yeah, do you remember your mom?" Me: "Of course I do. I was a lot older when she died." Dad: (very sarcastic) "Oh, really? How old then? How old were you?" Me: "I was almost 43. She died a month before my 43rd birthday" Dad: (almost angry) "Really? You were 43?" (complete disbelief) Me: "she died only 3 years ago Dad." Dad: (sad now) "It feels a lot longer than that."  Me: "Yeah, it does. It feels much longer. I miss her" Dad: "I miss her too. But I also thought I had been with Dawnie 10 years so how does that work?" Me: "Dad, ...

 In April, when Carson tried to hang himself in the basement, he was arrested for domestic violence. While in jail for one night, he peeled pain off the walls. When questioned, he told the officer he was bored and had ADHD so he needed something to do with his hands The officer instead moved him to another cell (WTH?) where Carson continued to peel paint. So now he is charged with damage of 2 jail cells instead of one. Even though he asked for something to do or distract himself with. He shouldn't have been in jail in the first place; he should have been taken to a mental health hospital or treatment facility.  When the domestic violence charge was addressed in court, he was told to stay out of trouble for 12 months and stay in therapy. When the damage of jail property hearing happened, he was told to get fingerprinted and provide picture ID. He doesn't have a picture ID, so we had to get that. Well, we couldn't really do that when he spent so much time in jail. After that,...

 Dad is an over spender. He always has been. I remember my parents arguing about it, and when I cleaned out their home to move in, I saw all his useless purchases piled around the house. Often, several of the same thing. This is why he's filed bankruptcy, and why Brandon and I have put him on a strict budget. He gets to cash one of his 3 checks, for dates and activities and such with Dawnie. He pays me rent. He also gets another $100/week for groceries at Dawnie's house. This is way more than he needs, but she is a bigger spender than he is, especially on groceries and dog food. Since I started locking his card so he can't use it other than necessities (copays, bills, home repair {always for her!} etc.) he has called me at least twice a week to ask if I will unlock it for a purchase he "has to have". I point out that's what the cash is for, and he has either used it up or it's not enough or he doesn't think he should have to use the cash. The hardest p...

 I have missed a lot of recording things about Carson. I won't remember them all. I had to kick him out after he repeatedly brought strangers into my home in the middle of the night, and they would drink and smoke in my house. STRANGERS getting drunk and/or high in my house with his 3 younger siblings nearby.... Yeah, he had to go.  He left on a Thursday, after I told him he had until that Saturday. He left because I told him to mow the lawn and he said he shouldn't have to since he was leaving anyway. He had promised to mow for 3 days before that because Jason hurt his foot and I needed help. But he didn't. We had court the following Tuesday for his juvenile court case. The judge found out he had been kicked out and asked me why. I said he wasn't keeping the rules, and I had to protect my younger kids. The judge wanted Carson to be somewhere more permanent than living on the street or bouncing between friend's couches so he said he could stay at the Volunteers of A...

 It's weird how I can remember some random bits and pieces of things that happened during ECT (or before and after). I remember at work one day, someone asking about why I had been out on disability so much and I told her about ECT. I said it was nice to meet her, and she said "we've worked together a few times now" so I apologized and explained that ECT had caused some problems with my memory. She asked me: "long-term or short-term?" I was extremely confused. My brain could not understand those words. I asked her what she meant? "Are the problems with long-term or short-term memories? What kinds of problems?" I was still confused.... "what is the difference?" (looking back, I'm sure she thought I was a complete idiot) She explained and I said, "I guess both are problematic." I have replayed this conversation many times and thought "I wonder how many other times I sounded like a complete idiot and don't remember. Ho...

 Thursday July 9, Dad was especially confused. He kept asking the same questions every 5 minutes or so. It was ridiculous and I was getting frustrated. He had physical therapy and I had to tell him what time it was at least 10 times. Then he got confused because he thought it was at a different time, and I had to tell him the time he was thinking was for another appointment on Friday with the podiatrist. We went round and round and round for at least an hour.  Friday, he couldn't walk down the hall without touching the wall. He would tip to the left, touch the wall, then tip to the right, touch the wall. All the way down from one end to the other. He was just as confused, he was especially slow and falling asleep more than normal. Jason had to help him off the couch and when Jaron came to take him to the previously mentioned podiatry appointment, he said Dad smelled like pee and seemed really "off". Friday night around 7pm, Dawnie brought Dad home and said "something...

 Yet another fun post about Dad's dementia. I thought my personal story blog would be more about my own journey than my dad's memory but I don't want to start another blog. And my dad is my main focus lately anyway..... Today dad called me in tears when I was at work. He said his phone wouldn't charge and he had to go to Wal-Mart tech support and have it checked. I asked why he was crying, "because it's my only connection with.... with.... her..... with Dawnie" he started to sob. I said he would be OK, we would figure it out. I asked if he had tried another cord or another base and he said he had tried several but nothing worked and he was down to 20% battery.  When I got home, he said his phone was charging fine because he put it on a different cord. But now his tablet wasn't charging. I mentioned how he had told me over the phone that he had already tried that and it didn't work. He was thoroughly confused. He said it wasn't the cord that was...

 My dad has dementia. They said it was early stage, but I'm sure it's further progressed than that. He asks all the time where he lived before he married Dawnie. I tell him "Here" and he rolls his eyes. I tell him I bought this house from him after he married Dawnie and he always doubts me. I had to show him where Mom wrote their names in the wet cement. I explained what it was decorated like when he lived here. He asks at least once a week. He asked how long he was with Dawnie. I said 2 years, he said "I thought it was 10". I said, "Mom only died 3 years ago." and he just nodded. On his birthday my sister, AngeLena told him to get on Facebook and see all the birthday wishes. This was huge for him, I had to help him find the birthday wishes, and every couple of minutes he would say a name and look at me, asking who it was or how he knew them. Even after I answered, he would read off the mutual friends and ask how those people knew each other. This ...

 Friday May 1st was Dad's 76th birthday, and Faith's sweet 16th. After the celebrations, I went outside for some yard work since it had cooled down. After a while, I sat down on the front porch to relax in the silence. Suddenly, a car parked in front of my house, and 2 figures came towards me. It was dark so I had no idea who it was. One of them handed me a card and said "give this to Mark please" then walked off without another word. The figure behind that one peeked out from behind the suburban. It was Dawnie. She asked if my dad was home, and if she could see him. I told her I would ask him. I ran inside, panicked. I didn't want her there. I didn't want to let her see Dad. I didn't know how to respond. Jason was asleep, the kids were in bed, and Dad was in the bathroom. I thought that was a perfect reason to tell her he couldn't talk and she would leave. But she didn't care. She asked to wait. I told her she could come inside, and instead of wai...

Carson only spent one night in jail. He didn't get any mental health treatment; he was locked up and then sent home with charges of domestic violence and property damage.  I got a letter regarding a court date for a charge he received while in residential treatment. Then I got a letter regarding a charge for the DV and property damage. One is juvenile court, one is regular adult court. The juvenile court is combining all the charges, the one from residential treatment, and the 3 charges I made for property damage. I have no idea what to expect with that. We have been to court 4 times now, and nothing has happened. The first 2 were the arraignments. He was told not to say anything while the public defender asked for more time to review the case. Court was rescheduled in both instances. Then we went back, and both defense attorneys said they still didn't have the necessary police records so they had to reschedule.  On top of all this, there is another pending charge because Cars...

 Today, my nightmares came to life. Today, my son was taken to the hospital and then moved to jail. Today, I am not OK. It started last night (4/13). Carson was upset about not getting to spend time with friends because he threw eggs at my garage Sunday (4/12) and I was making him clean it up. He would half-ass the job, them come in. I would then see that he wasn't done cleaning it up and make him go back out. Then it started raining so I told him it could wait until after school Monday.  Monday after school, he went outside and claimed it was done on 3 separate occasions. Each time I told him it wasn't done, he threw a tantrum, screaming and cursing about never being good enough. I managed to stay calm. After he finally got the egg cleaned off the doors (banging the door and causing damage), I had to point out that the dirt on the garage door also needed to be cleaned off, since it was only there because it got stuck to egg residue. He grabbed the hose, and sprayed the entire...

 Since she claims that I make posts about her and I hate her, I might as well actually put it out there. Not that she would ever read this or even know how to click the link because she is illiterate and refuses to be taught ANYTHING. Instead, she wants to talk about her own problems from at least 70 years ago, until one of her dozens of husbands died.... I made a post near the end of October about my dad and "crazy lady". Since then, he was hospitalized again, for another seizure and another UTI. My oldest brother bought dad a pill dispenser with an alarm he refuses to use because it bothers Dawnie. So, he forgets to take his pills and could have a seizure at any moment. When I bother him about taking his medications, he always shrugs it off. But when Dawnie tells him he has to take a probiotic drink daily, he is very particular to make sure it happens.  She has kicked him out 3 more times. The 1st of those times I told them both to "get their shit together" and th...

 My dad has been kicked out by his "wife" at least 6 times. Pretty sure it's closer to 10. It seems she thinks he is not taking good enough care of her. Here's how it goes: She feels a man should always take care of a woman. This includes dates, that she chooses, and it doesn't matter how expensive it is. He pays the property taxes on HER HOUSE. He pays for the groceries. He pays for utilities. He pays for cell phones. She spends $500/month on DOG FOOD!!!!! (deep breaths...try not to swear at this crazy b!) If he doesn't plan dates or forgets one of those bills (because he has DEMENTIA or because the account is already in HER NAME because she never added him to the statements) it is HIS FAULT and she screams at him. When he fights back or tries to argue, she kicks him out. Then he beats himself up for "not being the man she needs and deserves" or for "not taking good enough care of her", he begs her to take him back, she continues to demean...

For as long as I can remember, I have been a Daddy's Girl. My mom encouraged it. She never knew her dad, and she wanted her kids to be close to their dad. But it didn't take much for me to be Daddy's girl. I have always thought of him as my hero, my rock, my friend, and sometimes even my therapist. I wanted to be close to him all the time. I wanted his advice for every big event.  When my mom died, I figured we would just become even closer because he would need me as much as I had always needed him. But he immediately started looking for a new wife. He pushed away everything I did. Every effort to be with him, spend time together, help him grieve, receive comfort from him in my own grief, was pushed away. He just wanted to move on. Within 6 months of mom's death, he had been engaged, broken up, been scammed for thousands of dollars, sent nudes, promised himself to a woman, finally accepted the advice of ALL his kids to break up with her, and then got engaged again. Not...

 My last post was really long. I thought I would make a shorter summary. Carson started throwing really awful uncontrollable tantrums at about age 5.      The pediatrician(s) told me he would outgrow it and not to worry because he wasn't hurting anyone or anything.     When he got bigger and started to be destructive, I was told not to worry because he wasn't hurting himself.     When he started hurting himself, I was told not to worry because it wasn't "that serious"     When he continued to destroy things, scare siblings, and get violent with me, talk about suicide, and had serious impulsive behaviors, I was told that it was a phase.      Finally, a doctor told me that he had ADHD and prescribed medication. This didn't make a difference.     When Carson got big enough to fight me off when I would try to restrain him during violent outbursts, it was brushed off.     When I asked for psychological evalu...

 I want to introduce my son, Carson.  If you know me, I'm sure you've heard his name before😀 Carson is funny, outgoing, and silly. He is creative, and artistic. He loves to draw, write letters, play games, make inappropriate jokes, play with his siblings, and play ridiculous amounts of Roblox. Carson is gay and he OWNS it. He is flamboyant and incredibly kind-hearted. There is a side to Carson that not many know. There are many reasons we don't share his struggles. First of all, it's HIS story, not mine. I am just a part of it. Second, people are incredibly judgmental about mood and personality disorders. The first few people I opened up to, seeking advice, I was judged and mocked (unintentionally I'm sure) and I decided that I shouldn't share my struggles with him. But right now, I am incredibly frustrated and need to make some things known. So, here is a little history:     From his toddler years, Carson would throw temper tantrums like you wouldn't belie...

Just something more lighthearted than I tend to post. Because this is just as much my life as the trauma, anxiety, depression, and other craziness. These kids, and their older siblings, are my universe. I fight the darkness for them. I push through the hardest days for them. I live for them. Emily, 2nd grade DLI                                                                                      TJ, 4th grade DLI TJ just wanted to show off his backpack, and Emily wanted to show of her lunch bag. TJ is really into Snoopy right now, Emily loves all things girly like unicorns, ponies, rainbows, glitter, and sparkly things. I love these kiddos.  

 I think there is some trauma from the night I lost my mom, which I will need to work through. I keep telling myself I have dealt with it, and maybe the so-called trauma is just grief. Anyway, here is a short "story" I wrote about that night. It keeps getting misplaced and had some soda spilled on it so I figured this is a more permanent place to keep it.     Friday, April 14, 2023, is a date etched in my mind. Exactly one month before my 43rd birthday. My sister called "hey, sis. I'm at Mom and Dad's. Are you ready to go?"     "Be right over" I reply.     We're riding together with our parents to Aunt Jeneal's viewing. Jeneal was Mom's oldest sister. Most of her kids were old enough to be my parents, so I never felt close to her. But she is my Aunt and I do love her.     Only a few months before, her son and daughter died just days apart due to complications from Covid. Mom mentions how she's sure they are together. Mom is also env...

 Recently, I started doing Ketamine assisted psychotherapy. I go into the office, dissolve a ketamine troche in my mouth, and lay down for an hour, then talk to my therapist for an hour. Every other treatment I do it at home and write down or record my thoughts.  The first one was kind of interesting but uneventful. My psychiatrist suggested I set goals for what I hope to accomplish or work through before I put the troche in my mouth. I did another one at home, and it wasn't helpful at all. The 3rd one, my psychiatrist raised the dose and it did seem to help a little. The 4th one was in-office, and I cried about my ECT past, how nobody seems to want to hear it or show any empathy after all this time. But it is still painful for me. It still challenges me and shakes me to the core some days. I talked about how I thought I could work on forgiving the doctors and nurses and other staff at the clinic. I've done several more since then. Once, I cried because I wanted my mom with me...

 I've heard the saying "comparison is the thief of joy" SO many times. I don't know if it's always  a symptom of depression, but it is definitely common among the friends I have discussed it with. This is one of the reasons that social media is such a problem, and why it is immediately blocked in all mental health hospitals and facilities. I used to compare the number of likes I would get vs someone else in the same circle. I don't do this anymore, but it was a big deal. One of the few memories I have of being admitted to the hospital in 2019 was them asking how serious my suicidal thoughts and ideations were and asking me about social media. I remember feeling validated, knowing this was common enough of a problem that it had to be asked during check-in. The biggest comparison I hear about, and probably the biggest one I struggle with myself, is comparing the support given to those with mental illness vs those with physical illness. I don't 100% agree wit...